If I never knew you, I wouldn't like you,
If I don't like you, I wouldn't love you,
If I don't love you, I wouldn't miss you but I did, I do, I will.

I tried my best not to like you,
I tried my best not to miss you,
Because loving you knowing I'd hurt myself,
Because missing you made me cry.

I don't know how many times people say be patient to wait,
But how long more I've to wait?
How long I'll be hoping?
Why don't you realise it?

I got tired of waiting
I got tired of missing you. ;(
And when will you realise?
That you're the one who make me waiting,
That you're the one who make me missing.

I tried so hard not to cry,
I tried so hard to smile.
But still I can't hold my tears,
But still I can't smile when I'm alone & you're not around.

And in the end,
I'm the one who really hurt,
I'm the one who miss you the most.
And I'm the one who will keep waiting.

I find myself way so wrong,

How come I just can't open my heart for those who are there for me?

How come I totally can't feel anything on them?

Even I tried to get v them, its like.. no matter what I think of you.

I'm way way too wrong to make this decision.

I tried someone to replace you, then I realised...

Nobody will get to replace you cause I'm used to you,

& nobody can sacrifice & love me like you have ever did for me.

I love you lots, If you would be mine again, I guarantee to give you the best,

& appreciate you to the max, I wouldn't break my promise like ..

I did esp on the 3rd time & I myself ruined my own happiness. :(

Still I love you the most, you should know, nobody can replace you.

I admit I'm being real emo recently.

Everyday I just couldn't stop missing, esp today.

What is so wrong?

As tears rolled down while I was writing lots & lots ;(

(29.1.10) ; Alvin Bok, I miss you, come back?

What they're talking bout, reminds me lots bout what we had before.

Surprises you gave me during Vday, bday & anniversary.

& several times whenever I said yes, I miss you, I wish you're here,

Then you asked me to open the door & I can see you.

I opened the door, & you're really standing outside there. Thats so sweet of you.

& during anniversary, I got home & you're hiding behind my room's door.

Like I said before, now everything changed.

I do miss the moments we had before esp YOU, Alvin Bok.

But who knows bout this? Who understands how I feel?

Well, I don't know why I just couldn't let you go/forget bout you.

It's like today, I've been waited for 8 months 7 days already.

Knowing you gonna think I'm being silly.

You just didn't know I do love you lots, hoping someday you could come back again.

My mistakes, my bad, I'll try my best. Really I will. :l

I just wanna prove to you that.. I'm the only girl who loves you lots until today.

After so long.

I love you yet I'm sorry.
This is the 3rd time you left dy. ;(

Missing you.

Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin!

Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin! Alvin!

I MISS YOU!

Everyday i'm calling your name,

you just can't hear it and yet you won't be here too. ='(

Stop me from missing you every night,

lying down on da bed typing and sob here.

Miss you.

I miss you. Am lying down on bed. Just couldn't stop missing you. Flash back to da memories. You're da one I really spend my life v. Cause you understand me well. But I guess you tolerate me lots til you couldn't stand it anym. I miss da feelings of having you beside me. Hugged me, the warmth. Or the time when you're making fun of me. Miss all dy moments bii. I wish I could still call you this one day. :(

I feel so LIFELESS.

Hmm, no matter what I do, I think of you. Sigh.

Can't you just get off from my mind?

Suffering keep missing you & I don't even get to see/talk to you.

Wonder how're you now? What you're doing?

Get a new relationship? No feelings, I don't feel like to.

I'm not desperate for guys, I don't need a new relationship.

Its just I have no idea how to forget bout you.

What's the point keep missing you? I just don't understand.

No matter what I do, or I see, or whenever I'm sad or happy, the first thing..

I think of you! When will you talk to me? or at least care bout me?

Hmmmm. Day after day, I miss you even more, Alvin.

I see that all the guys are like playful s well?

I don't know.

Somehow, I just can't find another person who are so similar like you.

But, I guess they're right? If I find another one just like you,

then I'm like using that person to replace you & its not fair for the person.

Sometimes I wish, how great you would just stay.

Knowing its actually impossible. I'm stucked, locked, can't find my way out.

I love you, Alvin B.

Cny are just in weeks time, sudd flashed back the previous cny.

You're asking me to go v you for the family reunion dinner.

It feel so blissful that time, Thank you lots for everything,

the reunion dinner, cny celebrations with your family, it makes me feel like a family.

Never been thru to celebrate with such a big family.

I missed last year cny tho, you seemed so happy when I agreed to go.

Texting with me the whole day telling me your relatives were all teasing you.

& its also your first time bringing a girl home during cny?

Well, I felt so lucky I get to be the first. But why?

But recall back all the memories, I ever love you with my sincere heart.

Yes, I've ever lied, again & again. But those are my past.

I swear I never do anything sorry to you when I'm v you.
I know you won't forgive me but just wanna tell you I'm sorry truly bout it.

You gave me the best memories, esp cny.

You really treat me as a part of your family member, & dats why you brought me back.

& you brought me to see all your family members.

Your god mother,sis & bro & even your baby-sitters.. Its so blissful to be v you.

I never regret being with you, you touched me. That's why I willingly..

open my heart widely for you, now I can't even find the feelings like I have on you

on others, only you managed to make me feel this way.

But to you, you would just tell me, slowly I'll get to find, if I didn't try I won't know.

But you didn't know in my heart now, I just wanna be with you.

& you're leaving soon, I don't even get to spend all this sweet memories v you anym.

If we're together, & you're leaving to overseas.

I'll wait for you too because I love you, I won't just let you off.

No matter how much IF its gonna hurt, still I love you lots just like now.

Silence really kills, you don't even wanna talk to me anym neither to see me.

So, I dare not go near anym, memories....

Those memories we had before I'll never forget bout it.

I miss your smile lots.

Sometimes I wonder after so long we've separated, have you ever missed me?

Recently, I learnt alot.

We should always appreciate & forgive.

I did lots of mistakes before, esp I lied to you,

Gossiping back about you,

I gotta repent now cause knowing if I keep this on,

I gonna ruin my own life.

I'm an emotional person who never look to a brighter side,

but seems like now I gotta look to the brighter side,

its just I'll always remember your love, memories & I do miss you lots.

I'm not being emo, its just I miss you.

No more talking back bout you,

Finding myself way too wrong before that,

I felt so guilty & thats why now all this I actually caused out by myself,

Hating myself bout this and still its so hard to forgive myself

cause knowing you won't forgive me.

I know you're looking forward to your life now,

you're not gonna look back cause again & again I disappointed you.

I'm sorry for what I've caused out.

Perhaps maybe you've found a girl which are way better than me out there now?

I choose not to know cause I'm afraid I can't let you go.

But I'll wish you to be happy always, anything will do s long to keep you happy.

Hope you'll have a great Chinese New year,

hoping all your relatives will be back completely this year,

last year some of them didn't come back & you brought me back,

but not a complete one, still I gotta thanks you.

So I'll pray for you to have the best this year before you leave.

& Valentine's Day fall on the same day with CNY,

You're the first person I get to celebrate with, I'll never forget,

Birthday celebration as well, you gave me the best,
for the first time I get to celebrate with the one who I really love,
and you're there to celebrate v me as a boyf. (:

Thank you for everything esp birthday celebration,
you gave me a great surprise.

& the memories we had in Genting,

I love you lots.
I know you still have lots going on in your life,
Tho you won't be reading all this but I hope
you can sense that I'll always be there for you no matter what happen.

Alvin, can you listen to my heart?

I miss everything about you.

8 months 2 days passed by, can't believe I'm still holding on,

And after all the things we've been thru,

I still want you, I miss everything about you.

Too bad you just don't even treat me a friend anymore too.

****

You're with me till the bitter end.

What we had transcends, this experience is too painful to talk bout,

I'll just hold it on till my heart mend.

I won't let time erase one bit of our memories, & I've learnt that

Nobody can replace your place tho we can never be.

I'll keep you close to me in my heart & I'll remember

A place in time still belongs to us, stay preserved in my mind,

in the memories there is solace. I miss you.

***

It's so hard to lose the one you love,
To finally have to say goodbye,
You try to be strong but the pain keeps holding on,
And all that you can do is cry,
Deep within your heart you know it's time to move on,
When the fairy tale that you once knew is gone.

When the last tear drop falls,
I'll still be holding on to all of our memories,
And all of what used to be.
I will stand still,
And know that you're here with me in my heart,

When the last tear drop falls,
So now I'm alone and life keeps moving on,
But my destination still unknown, oh yeah,
Will there be a time when I'll fall in love again?
When I was meant to walk these streets alone,
If there was just one wish I could be granted here tonight,
It would be to have you right back by my side.

Now it's time for me to find my happiness again,
And the emptiness from missing you,
Will never ever end.

Brendon.

Sigh, I can't believe you're gone just like this,

Btw, Happy Birthday. Rip.

You promise breaker?

Sigh. But I miss you lots Alvin. Still waiting.

***

Why this world be so unfair?

Why must you bring them all away?

This is so unfair. I pray you all go to a better place.

Rip Jason, Brend & Yi Zhang. :'(

I REALLY DON'T WANNA THINK ANYMORE.

THIS IS WAY TOO SUCKY.

Shall I look forward? :(

FUCK 17th Jan 10!

2010 is just not a good year.

Mum went crazy again today & beat.

Why mum would change to this way? She never use to be like this.

Sigh. Why this world is so unfair?

& what fucking shit happened this morning?

Why must these incident happened? Why must the god bring the innocents one away?

It's so darn unfair. Why must 2010 be such a fucking year?

Its just only starting of the year. & all this happened?

Sigh, and where the fuck you've been missing Alvin?

Tho you won't be staying here for long, but I wish I could spend

some time together with you better than nothing at all.

Not even as friends? You just went disappear again.

So so down. Too many things happened. It feels hurt to loose a friend.

I don't wanna loose you along.

Mum, tho its stressful,

we can always talk nicely & settle stuff.

Someone once asked me, Have you missed someone so much?

I made myself stop & think.

Then I smiled, cause I'm thinking bout you esp your smile.

I miss you.

Break my heart? Destroy my soul? & Leave me crying?

I'd still love you.

But I did not expect you to love me back in return anymore.

"If loving you is wrong, I don't wanna be right. If being right means

living without you, I wanna be wrong for the rest of my life"

Hopefully everything will turn out fine again. ;l

I don't understand WHY, mum.

I tried my best, I feel so bad before for not behaving well.

I knew my tuitions' fees cost a lot.

So that's why this year, I didn't ask money for school pocket money,

school fees, & books s well, I paid by myself using own salary.

Even house electricity bill I pay extra fifty for each month.

I feel bad, I don't wanna burden you that much too.

Somehow, I'm trying to study harder. I'm stuck v books everyday.

You yourself see it too whenever you're back from work.

But why? Why keep complaining to people that I don't study & I'm like so free?

& nag me everyday. But right in front of your eyes, I'm studying.

I know I complain & blame you even when I'm at the wrong side.

I feel so sorry. The point is now whenever I try to be better,

how come there must be something bad happen? I feel so sucky.

& Bout him, its not like I want him to leave me.

Like you said so, if he doesn't love me, no point I force him to be v me.

Let him decide, I don't have the rights.

You knew bout it, but why everytime you must talk something hurtful to me bout it?

Anyhow, I dare not keep asking him to come over & help us v stuff.

He won't always be here, I got to settle stuff by myself.

Last time at least his always there to help s a boyf.

But everything changed now, His not mine, his not like before.

I'm improving myself to show you.

I don't want ended up like scolding, crying, ignoring & so on.

It's not like I don't wanna fix up the darn printer & desktop.

Today, out of sudden, I got beaten & scolded by you in front of so many ppl.

Its hurtful, tho might be part of my fault if you said so.

Not allow to stay home unless I fix it? Not allowed to eat? Sigh.

I feel so down, or this is all my own fault? Idk.

So headache, how am I gonna explain tonight? :(

I need you badly, somehow you just can't be here.

7 months 21 days since you left.

I don't know what's wrong today,

Just can't stop thinking bout you, out of control.

Usually get to get over rid from not thinking.

But today just seem different, the feeling of miss is back.

Wanted to text you so badly, but wondering..

If will you reply me? Or feel like.. err. I have no idea.

Somehow, day after day I'm waiting for your text/call.

You don't hear me anymore, You don't wanna know anymore.

At least be there as a friend for me? Than not to talk at all?

You know how much I need you.

I really wanna find/talk to you. Somehow, I dare not find you. =(

Another night passed by without you.

Alvin Bok, don't flee away.

Another day passed by.

The world is not ending yet even until today,

Since the day you left me, I know there are still plenty out there,

Maybe I'll meet someone better than you?

I think and think, for what I think I asked myself.

You're stuck in my mind.

You always satisfy me & give me everything I requested.

It's not easy to find someone like you anymore.

If you're just gonna hurt my heart, I don't mind,

I rather have bad times with you than to have

good time with others without feelings.

Somehow, you're always the best to me.

I wanna be with you. :l

Alvin, bring me back. :C

That day I was wondering if I open my windows
then I jump down, then that's the end. How great?
I don't wanna suffer like this. Take problem as challenge?
I know this is already not the first time.
Even happy moment also, it don't even stay with me for at least some time.
Why can't you let me feel the happiness once again?
Don't wanna live in this world with sadness & missing ni. No point living.
Bring up happiness myself?
I guess the one who bring me sadness is the one who can fix me
& bring me back to happiness.
Wish you could be there & bring me back once again.
I love you.

Where you?

Since wed, 30th Dec 09, you already went disappear.
& now school reopened, you must be busy with your college & so on?
Well, now is not like before, gotta study everyday.
Somehow, I will never get to take you out from my mind even for one day.
I shouldn't think so much, but you just pop out in my mind.
I'm sure you won't know I'm missing you here.
I miss you, I wanna see you.

Last few days, Jo asked after so long how come I still have strong feelings on you?
It's kinda hard for me to answer her question.
I did asked myself too, why? I don't understand.
Sometimes, I know we're impossible. But I willingly wait.
Cause everyday I keep hoping someday it will come true.
I finally managed to wait for it, but it lasted for 3 days only. That's hurtful.
But I guess at least you wanted to come back to me.
I feel so sorry, so guilty, so regret.
Even now in school, I don't talk bout you to them, not even texts.
I'm telling myself, maybe by not talking bout you
would help myself not to miss you so much but I find it even harder.
Everyday, they were talking bout their stuff so sweetly,
I wonder how great if I get to share it with them bout our sweet moment.
Cause I know you always give me the best.

Hm, alright. Not emo time.
You dislike emo, I don't want to be that way too, who loves to?
Maybe because you're not by my side &
I'm too afraid to lose you even you're not mine. Sigh.
Can someone tell me what should I do?
I don't know why, after so long, feelings just don't fade.
Even sometimes I talked back bout you, I don't really mean it.
I don't know how to show the real strong feelings.
All I can do is to wait, I dare not find you, hoping someday you'll find me.
I really miss you so badly here. =[


Guess I'm already not in your mind.

22nd Dec 09, Monday night,
You said you love me that's why you could be v me,
but what about now? If you really love me,
why you let me off in such a short time?
I love you lots, why can't you see it?
Alright, I know its my fault for talking back bout you,
saying stuff bout what I shouldn't have said, but what I
really hope is just to be happy with you tho nobody knows.
But not to be v you then we argue. I know I always did mistakes,
I'm sorry. I can see that you're not gonna come to me anymore.