Smile with the Memories.

Here is a video I wanted to give you on our A year anniversary.

But I did not managed to complete it.

Tho now its too late but I just re-edit it all over again.

I know you won't be watching but to let you know.... I really really
treasure a lot the moment we're together.

If I could have just one wish, I would wish to wake up everyday
to be by your side, hugging you and the feel of your heart beating with mine...
Knowing that I could never find that feeling with anyone other than you.
Well, Time may take us apart, that's true, but I will always be there for you.
You're in my heart, you'll be in my dreams, no matter what.
But nothing hurts more than realizing you meant everything to me,
but I meant nothing to you..
I'm trying really hard not to cry over you because every tear is just one
more reminder that I don't know how to let you go. :(

People around me are always telling me to move on, to give up.
But why? They don't see you the way that I see you.
They don't look into your eyes and see the world.
They're not me, they're the one who had been v you. How would they und den?
I never stop loving you but I'm trying to live without you.
Every time I follow my heart... it leads me to you.
I mean... what other explanation is there. Why is it that u're all I can think about?
Why is it that no matter how upset I am, If I look at our pict, I can't help but smile?
Even tho I'm heart broken, why did I still feel those same feelings?
No matter what I know I can't make you love me
,want me,or understand me again. All I can do is hope that someday you will. (:

There is one pain I often feel which you will never know because
it is caused by the absence of you & also the part that hurts me the most,
is knowing that I once had you again and then lost you.
I can't escape the thought of you. Even in my dreams you are there.
It's not fair how your gone, and how you're moving on so fast,
while I am still living in the past. Why? Sigh.
I'm fighting with myself trying to get you out of my head
But I'm hanging on every word you said. You might call this madness
but I called it love. Sometimes I pray your face will soon face away
So I don't have to miss you anymore but I just can't make it.
I thought that by telling myself and everyone else that I hate you.
So that sooner or later I would come to believe it.
But I now realize that by lying, it makes me want you even more.

Should I smile because you are my friend, or cry because that's all you are?

5 months 4 days.

I've been thinking bout this for the whole night last night.
To you now, probably I'm just a girl that are immature & will never change.
No matter how I change you won't get to see it.
Cause how am I in you is just a girl that had been unfaithful to you.
& I'm a girl you will never fall for again. I've guess it right perhaps.
Why are you so hard to forget?
Everything changes in life but my love towards you did not change. Why? Idk.
I just can't seem to face the truth. I have no idea.
Every night I can't sleep well. Asking myself if should I let go?
If I keep thinking bout our memories or you just pop out in my head
then tell me what should I do so I can let go & move on my life without you?
I wonder how you feel that day when you kissed me?
But its obvious you just totally don't have the feelings anymore?
I don't know I don't know. This is driving me crazy! I hate it. Why should I face this?
I'm not over you!

Somehow no matter how hard I try to let go I can't force myself.
I tend to hurt myself even more.
I had ever told myself time will heal, perhaps afta months I'll be okay.
But 5 months 4 days passed by. How long would I take to don't even gv a darn shit?!
I hate myself for behaving like this. I'm just the immature girl afta all right?
I think too much & I keep all to myself.

Whenever I'm down, you're the one I wish I would like to share with.
But you're not here. No one is there for me.
Perhaps this is the only way I try to feel better?

You're still my friend
& I wanted to talk to you most of the time
but I ended up dare not talk to you cause whenever I talk to you
My heart beats really hard & I miss you or maybe I'm afraid you might be cold to me?
That's why everyday I wait, hoping you to talk to me.
You might feel how come every time aso you find me, I won't find you.
Probably you won't get it maybe. This is the reason why actually.
But someday you will understand I hope? (:

Wish I could tell you how I feel.
I pretend that I'm happy without you.
Tho I might be smiling outside sometimes but I'm dying inside. Who knows?
The pain inside is real but nobody knows & I'm crying inside.
Why didn't I say the things I needed to say?
I bet you would respond back by telling me again that we're impossible right?
I knew it, that's why I keep to myself all this while.
Now my world is not the same like before anymore without you by my side.
The nights are so lonely & I keep thinking bout love we had.
& I'm missing you but nobody will know esp you.
I'm screaming & crying at night I thought you would sense it, my heart is calling for u.
This is stupid I know I know. But this is true.
I asked myself why can't I just move on since you've told me so many times.
& there I don't seem manage to get you dy also.
Why I'm still holding on? Even if I get you probably I won't get your heart too now.
You lost feelings.

5 months.

Look back the past with happiness & pride.
5 months passes by again.
Wad happened last two days are stuck in my mind.
You made me miss you more & more. I wish I'm in coma now & wake up forgetting everything.
I miss you lots Alvin. 5 months passes by like this without u.


How long I have to wait?
Like you told me before. You can come back once why not twice.
Then why don't you come back for the 2nd time?
Whatever it takes, no matter how my heart breaks, I'll be waiting.
I look back the past, I hear laughter, I taste the tears.
But I can't get near to you at all now, Why can't you see it Alvin?
I keep my promise, I don't wanna make the same mistake like before.
I just hope someday you'll look in me once again.

Down.

I guess I'm emo again? Grrrr.
Nothing I can do sometimes but just to express my feelings out here.
Tho I had blogged for so long but make no diff anyw? *sigh*
There were so many times I just wanna cry all out from my heart.
The pain inside you just won't und. But if you're here to help & care, I'll smile again.
But I'm so alone here far away from you.
Everyday I can only dream for your warm & hugs. :(
I want you to take me away from all the emptiness. Why do I have to be away from you?
All the love we left behind, flash back all the memories I'll never find.
I keep dreaming you'll be with me & you'll never go. But I wake up realizing I'm all alone.
Why don't you hold on to me again & never let me go?

Yea, you asked me to move on, I tried to move on, I tried not to think about you.
Focus on my studies, not missing you.
But all this while I'm just forcing myself to do so! I'm not being myself.
I don't wanna behave like this, I just want to be myself still loving you.
But I don't even get the chance anymore? How I wish I could start all over again?
Seeing you outside having fun & knowing you already get rid of me.
I just couldn't forgive myself for ever lied to you & that's why I ended up myself like that.
I just can't go on like this without you.
Everyday every min every sec I'm thinking of you. No matter what I do s well.
I'm acting like I don't care anymore I'm not missing you I enjoyed around
But that's just not how I really feel inside, I want to be somewhere
that I can totally express my own feelings, be myself & smile again like I'm v you.

I know we can never can all over again like you had told me dozen times.
All I can do is just to dream on & love you in myself.
I'm whispering softly here telling you how much I love you, Alvin.
But you will never get to hear me.


I miss the moment when we have so much fun.

Within these few weeks, I seems to bump into you several times,
I don't get what's happening to me.
I wonder why my heart beats so fast? Why I tend to hide?
Why don't I just go over and greet you? I'm so confused.
I don't have the guts to go over, but just standing at the side looking. Whats the point?
There are a lot of question marks in my head.
I did not expect myself to be like this. But I miss you even more every time I see you.
Pain deep inside I don't know how long I could stand.
How great if you're here again to save me?

This sentence just flashed up in my mind:

"Just call my name and , I'll be there"

You ever asked me to just call your name whenever I need you
& you'll be there for me.
Now I'm calling you but you're not here for me anymore.